who watches the watcher ?

im unhappy , i feel like curling into a ball and just telling the universe to go away , and yet im not sadden as much with my brothers death firmly lodged in my brain , its more my failings as a master and a farther to my family ,
i feel more alone today than i think i could ever feel , no thats not totally true i am numb i can put the smile on my face i can wave my hand and say im good but honestly im not , i dont know what to do at the moment
I want to be more than i am i want to create but my hands my mind my being stops me , like a wall that i cannot climb , i see it all in front of me the ideas flow but the hands do not follow ,i look at things and say yes but its no ,
i feel with my knees so sore my weight gain my lack of skills im a dead weight to this family , my only hope is skills , i need to be re trained to  transform into smoething more that what i am now , all my life i just worked i had to work and yet i want to be greedy i want to choose a job this time not just take anything , problem is what , security is all ive done , i wouldnt know what do even look at ,woodworking, welding .... leather work ? i have books of leather fasion ideas i have books full of bdsm kink ideas but my hands fail me to create them , i have become numb , so for now im sure slave is in the other room waiting for my post and bubba is behind me crying dad i want out theres no food in here , i will sum up
all my life in warhammer or models ive created i loved it i make stuff out of junk , i look at all these great kink ideas and want to make them in indulge my senses but i feel ive hit a wall , i dont have any skills to make them and could i do it to make money too ? is there a market i can do in perth to make these items and live off it or am i blowing my wang to the wind? lol
as for the remark who watches the watcher , i watch alot of these porn sites see these amazing looking ppl in exotic places being bound in some great and amazing items and all i do is watch , maybe its time soon i stop watching and act out my desire of this